Flushing Out the Straight Poop on Ballghazi

This is the week that everybody becomes an NFL fan.

It's for one of two reasons:

1. They're itching to bet on something, and/or
2. They want to get invited to a happenin' Super Bowl party.

Well, for Reason No 1, check out the Bovada ad on this page. Great deals. And it pays the bills around here.

As for Reason No 2, as a public service to non-fans with social cravings, here's a quick primer to what will no doubt be the No 1 party-talk topic. Share with someone you pity.

Let them know this is the biggest sports story since Islamic State went all Hitler on the Middle East, and the NCAA is clueless enough that they're probably investigating. Then they'll know how serious this is and won't be shunned for looking at the other party-goers like they're crazy.

The NFL suits may not know their way around an elevator -- too much terrain to cover, and it moves -- but a bathroom door is much more manageable for them to investigate. Especially one that's used by ... you know ... the little people.

Such as the errand runners who are much more convenient to take the fall than big names.

So, now the question is, what dastardly deeds can be done in a bathroom that takes 90 seconds? Besides the obvious, that is, which includes eating too much stadium food.

 

Investigators have now hunkered down over the forensics:

• They've concluded that fundamental door-management operations -- opening, closing, locking, etc -- may have taken eight seconds in all, leaving 82 more unaccounted for;
• Five seconds could have been used in total to fish around in a pocket for a needle and, at the conclusion, return it, leaving 77.
• And then, with 21st century tools like calculators on smartphones, they discovered that it would take 77secs ÷ 11balls = 7 seconds to deflate each ball to a barely noticeable >12.5 lbs/in². It's written that way because it looks like something Bill Belichick might say.

So, can the fate of the Western world -- and a Super Bowl berth -- hang on hands steady enough to execute this operation in the time required?

This could explain why the 12th ball was spared the needle.