NFL Snark Rankings: Week 1
There aren’t many things in life that go unnoticed anymore, including video surveillance tape from a now defunct Atlantic City casino.
What this means for NFL franchises is you’ve all been put on notice that the world is watching, especially the Colts-Broncos Sunday night game, which drew a 6.7 rating. Peyton Manning has now defeated every NFL team!
The first Sunday of the season went off with more hitches than a high school drama production.
What we witnessed was not acting, but it was the harsh, cold reality that these teams are no longer living in la-la land. To say there were a couple of upsets would be putting it mildly.
One thing that’s certain is the Snark Rankings will change from week to week, as predicting NFL games is harder than Chinese algebra. You might as well just have your kid pick the winners.
We open and close the 2014 Snark Rankings in the Show-Me State, or Misery, as it’s referred to by the locals. At least there will be post season baseball on both sides of the state of Missouri to take their minds off the gawd-awful football being played, because there ain’t no hoops teams and one hockey team that can't get out of mid-playoff limbo.
1. St. Louis Rams – Nothing has gone right for the Rams, including the criticism they took over cutting Michael Sam. That now looks like a horrible decision, given that DE Chris Long will miss eight weeks due to ankle surgery. Throw in the fact that backup QB Shaun Hill was also injured on Sunday’s home game against the Vikings -- a game in which they managed two field goals -- the season couldn’t have started any worse. Speaking of field goals, I’m pretty sure the NFC Pro Bowl kicker is going to be either Blair Walsh or Greg Zuerlein. Look for the Rams to be in the hunt for one of the top college QBs in the draft. Do they still get the Redskins first-round pick in 2015, because they could surely use it.
2. Dallas Cowboys – This was a home game in Big D, and they commit a false start penalty on the first play? Way to prepare your team, Jason Garrett. I’m not sure which coach to put at the top of the hot seat list, but Garrett has to be top three, doesn’t he? Two plays later, RB DeMarco Murray fumbles and it’s recovered and returned for a TD by 49ers DB Chris Culliver. The next drive resulted in a field goal, thanks to two stupid penalties by 49ers LB Ahmad Brooks. Let’s not discuss what happened on the next three drives. Tony, the Cowboys wear navy blue and silver uniforms. The 49ers wear red and gold. Is it that difficult to differentiate the two? Are you color-blind? I picked up the Titans D in my fantasy league if that tells you where the Cowboys stand with this dude.
3. Oakland Raiders – Ummm, you lost to the Jets. After the Where’s Waldo? article, do we need any further explanation? Fifteen rushing attempts for 25 yards would look terrible in a Pee-Wee football box score, let alone an actual NFL game. Better luck next week against the Texans and that stout run defense. Is it possible negative rushing yards are in store with RB Maurice Jones-Drew already banged up?
4. Washington Redskins – Boy, there are some repeat offenders from last year's Snark Rankings, wouldn’t ya say? The Redskins closed out the 2013 season by placing second in the Snark Rankings the last four weeks and appeared in the top five in six other weeks. And yet? It seems some fans have spent too much time in their parents' basement, cut off from the outside world.
YouTube needs drug screening more than the NFL does.
What this team needs is more of RB Alfred Morris, plain and simple. He carried the rock 14 times for 91 yards Sunday, and the Skins' one rushing TD went to FB Darrel Young? Who's doing the play calling here, Shanahan’s kid? Nope. It’s Gruden’s brother. If Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden were coaching this team together, they might finish in second place in the NFC East, the weakest division in football. Maybe Washington can trade its top pick to the Rams so it can finally get a franchise QB. I’m talking to both teams.
5. Kansas City Chiefs – Is it possible the Arrows are about to become a baseball town for the first time since 1985? Will a Royals home playoff game outdraw a Chiefs home game? I actually watched this game since I skipped church for the 30th week in a row, and it was the 10am pdt game featured on CBS. If you remember, the Chiefs were mentioned as one of the teams expected to suffer a drop off -- not a nose dive, but a significant step back -- from 2013. Anthony Fasano scores on a five-yard TD pass in garbage time. Other than that, the Chiefs kicked a field goal in the first quarter. Well, this has already made me nauseous and irritable. I can’t wait for next week, when I get to do this all over again after the Chiefs visit the Broncos. They should move up a few slots, that’s for sure. At least we play the Raiders twice! should be their motto.
Did I actually write an entire article without once mentioning Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice? The astute readers will recall I only referenced an out-of-business casino security tape that apparently was sent to Commissioner Roger Goodell in April, but he claimed he never saw it. Yeah, and OJ didn’t do it, either.
Until next week, stay calm, and read on.