Death of Cold: Winter Classic Falls Short of World Record Crowd Due to Corpses

Published on 28-Jan-2014 by Xavier McSpaniel
NHL / NHL Daily Update

Death of Cold: Winter Classic Falls Short of World Record Crowd Due to Corpses

News has surfaced that this year's Winter Classic at the Big House did not set the Guinness world record for a hockey crowd as initially claimed.

Reports indicate some sort of kerfuffle with tickets and turnstiles and latecomers and scanners and frozen tears of shame.

A likely story.

The Daily Player has learned the true cause of the shortfall was that too many people died.

"Several thousand," confirmed a coroner we found on Craigslist. "More than enough to keep it from unseating the Michigan-Michigan State game of 2010."

"Many of them were Toronto Maple Leaf fans, so we can never be sure if they froze to death accidentally or by choice."

"Either way, they've gone to a much better place."

The NHL's other outdoor showcases have also experienced fatalities. The recent Dodger Stadium stoush between the Kings and the Ducks was marred by the untimely demise of the entire lower section along the third base line.

"Heatstroke," concluded our expert. "And the stabbing murdery glare of the sun off the ice."

Take heed, organizers of Vancouver's Heritage Classic in March. Those punters in the nose bleeds of BC Place may be drowning, not waving.

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