Seeing Red: Bengals Will Offer Andy Dalton Max Deal if He Dyes His Hair

The Cincinnati Bengals figure they understand why quarterback Andy Dalton was awful on Sunday, as he was the two playoff games before.

But unlike every NFL pundit worth his punch, they claim the problem is not between his ears.

It's above his ears.

"He's a typical Ginger," assessed a Cincy spokesperson. "They're notorious for bad decision-making in times of high pressure."

"The blood rushes to the head and copulates with the red follicles, creating a fiery orgy of cellular mayhem that destroys any and all notions of logic and wisdom attempting to make their way out of the brain and inform the running, throwing, play-making body."

"We thought Andy was the exception. We thought he was one of those rare Gingers that could block off all the emotions and become a cold, colourless killer. We were wrong."

"It's just science."

"So, before we make him the face of the franchise for the next ten years, we're changing his hair colour to avoid further playoff meltdowns and ensure Super Bowl success."

It's that easy? A playoff victory drought that began when Ralph Malph was a nipper will end with a 'Hair For Men' application?

"Absolutely. We might even go whole body, just to be safe."

A rubber stamp on Dalton's contract is expected in the next month or so. At that time, assume the red will be in the Bengals' books rather than atop their QB's noggin.