NFL Gurus: Daft Picks

There's a time on every veteran athlete's calendar when he just shakes his head.

Draft time.

Professional sports is one of the few businesses where an unproven rookie can command more attention than players who have already accomplished at least something at the next level. Yes, the buzz is all about hope springing eternal, as gurus and fans alike just know a Ryan Leaf, Brady Quinn, Tim Tebow, or Tony Mandarich will superhumanly save teams.

Some ears are still ringing from the cascade of boos when those idiot Texans drafted Mario Williams ahead of all-headliner Reggie Bush. However, the only ringing Williams hears is the cash register after signing a deal worth up to $100million with the Bills. Bush gets a play called for him every now and then.

Did you ever watch John Carpenter's modern-day B-movie, They Live? I don't believe in government conspiracies, so I'm beginning to think this was actually a warning about ESPN. They exist to suck in the masses with sucky programing and made-for-sponsors events. Those are cheap to produce, which maximizes profits. Then, ESPN carpet-bombs viewers with video loops of SportsCenter, hyping these events to the point of actually having them seep into news cycles.

Clever. Insidious, but clever.

And what's their crowning achievement for this tactic? The NFL Draft, of course.

Give it to Mel Kiper Jr and his hairdresser. They saw an opportunity to create a cottage industry out of following college kids like a cyber-stalker and turning it into a net worth of over $7million. Is this a great country or what! Until Kiper came along, who really cared about the Cleveland Browns' backup holder? This proves there's a future for blowhards who are too scrawny for the WWE.

After all the hype and the thousands of wasted hours of TV time, can you name how many of the top 10 draft picks that Old Helmet Head got right? Pick a number between 1 and 3. That's right. 2! Yes, 2 of 10. Now, I'm no math major --PE/Health, actually; teaching K-12 -- but even a PE guy can do this calculation: 20%.

If you did your job at a 20% success clip, how long would you last?  Would you  be considered an expert?  Would you be an insider? Of course not. You would be fired! 

Since we're all fans here, let's break it down using sports:

• Would you be in the majors very long if you hit .200?
• If you shot 20%, would you be in the NBA very long?
• If you completed 20% of your passes, would even the Jets sign you?
• If you had a .200 save percentage, would any NHL team keep you as their goalie?

But Kiper is safe in his job. Know why? Because he could luck out and do better next year, and ESPN couldn't have him doing it on another network. So he'll just keep cyber-stalking college kids and adding to his bank account. What a gig!

As silly as They Live was, I did gain an appreciation for it when I applied the ESPN perspective. However, my viewpoint is still more like Howard Beale in Network. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore.

I've got better things to do.