Charity Begins at Home: Four Pitches for the Chargers' Last-Minute MNF Ticket Drive
The San Diego Chargers are tackling a task more difficult than a healthy skin cell surviving the Tampa Bay Buccaneers locker room.
Over the next eight hours, they must sell nine thousand tickets for their Monday Night Football bout with the Indianapolis Colts. If they fail, they will become the first home team in a decade to be blacked out for MNF.
While the Bolts' woes at the box office have been around longer than Dan Fouts' first chin hair, a test pattern on a nationally televised tilt would represent a new low in the franchise's stadium filler saga. It could even be a tipping point in the long-mooted move to Los Angeles / Toronto / London / New Delhi / The Moon.
Fear not, Charger faithful. The Daily Player is nothing if not a bastion of charitable behaviour, and the finest minds of the organization have set to saving you from Monday Night Find Something Else To Watch. Here are our four pitches to assist the marketing minions in their last-minute ticket push:
Re-name the team 'No Chargers' ... Provide full refunds for ticket holders in the event the Bolts win or score a touchdown or get a first down or wear the correct uniforms or make it off the bus without a season-ending injury.
Bonus 'Gruden Grinder' ... Have the Charger Girls distribute random lap dances every time the MNF colour man says "This guy!"
Chance to play Wide Receiver ... One lucky ticket-holder will have the opportunity to sign a three year, $13.5million contract and be Phillip Rivers' number one target (Eddie Royal won it last year).
Catfish for a day ... Purchase a club ticket and choose a day to be Manti Te'o's girlfriend (gender not important).