Black and White: A Partial Transcript of Riley Cooper's Sensitivity Training

Time magazine's Man of the Year, Riley Cooper, returned to Philadelphia practice today, a mere ninety-six hours after being excused from Eagles camp to go retrieve himself from the 1950's.

Given the brevity of the hiatus, it's obvious the sensitivity training Cooper undertook was wildly successful. But who was the genius administering it? Courtesy of our generous supply of insiders and brown paper bags, The Daily Player has uncovered the therapist behind the receiver's lightning, life-changing transformation.

Here is a partial transcript of the counselling:

Therapist: Now, Riley, you know the 'N' word is bad now, don't you?

Cooper: Absolutely.

Therapist: Why is it bad?

Cooper: Cuz I got caught usin' it. And it got me in a WHOLE lotta dookie.

Therapist: No, that's not the reas-"

Cooper: People got really pissed off, man! They said they were gunna kill me! 

Therapist: Riley, it's not a bad word simply because you got caught using it. It is just BAD. Offensive. A disgrace. It has a shameful and terrible history.

Cooper: Wow. Really?

Therapist: Yes. Promise me you won't ever use this word again.

Cooper: Sure thing, Doc.

Therapist: Promise?

Cooper: Cross my heart.

Therapist: Good man. You're cured. And to celebrate your new-found enlightenment, please take this dog as a gift.

Cooper: A dog? What the...Hey, you got a fake beard. And fake glasses. And you wearing a Number 7 jersey under your tweed jacket!

Therapist: No, I'm not.

Cooper: You Michael Vick!

Therapist: My assistant, Mr Dungy, will see you out. Have a nice, racism-free life. And don't forget the dog.

Cooper: Hey, thanks for the back-up, Mike. Although, maybe I should be sayin' it to that cracker Nick Foles, yeah!   

Therapist: Please take the dog away from me. 

Cooper: Mike, what am I going to do with a dog?

Therapist: Anything you want ... I wish I hadn't said that ...