The Bears May Have Found a Kicker Who Can Avoid the Uprights

The pointlessness of the NFL pre-season can't be overstated, and Matt Nagy seems more passionate about this sentiment than most.

The 2018 NFL Coach of the Year and ballpark penis vendor has taken great pains to keep his key personnel as far away from these games as possible.

Of course, the kickers can still kick and have these kicks analyzed meticulously, which for the Chicago Bears is a sad necessity after last season.

Here's a quick refresher to cleanse the palate:

 

Cody Parkey is no longer a member of the Bears, last seen inspiring Savannah Guthrie with his courage on the morning talk-show circuit.

Meanwhile, back in Chicago, a now unhinged Nagy was in the process of organizing the most needlessly complex kicking competition ever conceived by man or beast.

 

Yep, they were literally dragging kickers out of drainpipes and crawlspaces for this reality show without cameras, with Nagy even having them attempt kicks from the ill-fated distance of 43 yards.

The depths of their depravity are only just being realized, as several participants of this baggy-pants farce are now dishing all about it.

 

The Bears eventually settled on Eddy Pineiro out of Florida, who on the surface seems every bit as interchangeable as the dudes he was competing against.

However, maybe he's got the divine spark after all.

 

My, what a big leg you have, sir.

Of course, dude once kicked an 81-yarder during a practice at Florida.

 

Allegedly.

While the distance is impressive, the Bears are likely more concerned about his ability to miss the uprights, or poles, for you laypeople.

 

Of course, in any other NFL city, this kick wouldn't have even have registered, but traumatized Bears fans are pretty jacked.

 

 

 

Again, it was a nice kick, but there's still a fair chance that a veteran leg released before the season begins will be kicking at Soldier Field this year instead of Pineiro.

 

Yeah, let's not do that.