No USA in World Cup? No Prob. Here's How You Pick a Side to Follow

Even now, it still defies belief that the United States will not be at the World Cup in Russia.

Panama is going instead, and all we can hope is they've been watching the Washington Capitals and taking notes.

Not for learning their strategies for advancing to the bracket stage, but for picking up a few tips and techniques to take partying to epic levels.

 

OK, they won't have the Stanley Cup as a prop -- unless Alex Ovechkin makes a surprise appearance, and who's to doubt it could happen? -- but for an outfit like the Panamanian footballers, anything will do.

Here's a suggestion, presented as a public service:

 

Dudes will have the rest of their lives to dry out, so why not?

It isn't like they're gonna get noticed on the pitch or hang around the tournament for very long.

So, it makes no sense to jump on any Los Canaleros bandwagon, because this is the best they're gonna get:

 

That leaves 31 other clubs for disenfranchised American to choose as their team for the tournament.

But who to choose?

Fear not, for here's the perfect guide to help you select a side that will be aligned with your particular idiosyncracies ... or flaws, depending on the perspective of who's looking on:

Of course, Yanks could simply default to those slow-clapping Vikings from Iceland ...

 

... but hell, dudes stole that act from Motherwell in the Scottish league.

Modern-day plunder, apparently.

Of course, there's always Mexico, who actually might earn an extended stay.

 

... however, El Tri don't have enough fullbacks to build the sorta wall they're gonna need to keep goals out.

Of course, if none of this works, Americans should simply fall back to the only logical choice of a team to support:

 

Deutschland vor, noch ein Tor!

It's a natural. Deal with it.