Japan Backs into Round of 16 by Losing Politely

It goes against all that sports stands for, but whatever gets the job done.

Little did they know it at the time, but things were going Japan's way as soon as their name was drawn outta the World Cup bowl that plopped them in Group H.

That's because Poland's sandbagging gave them a top seed they didn't deserve, thus creating a more balanced batch of contenders.

As matters transpired, the Poles were exposed by their drek-like play, and the Japanese dum-de-dummed their way into having a shot at the Round of 16 by simply being well-mannered.

 

Group H's third-round game results were only notable in the World Cup's scheme of things because of how they played out against FIFA's well-intentioned but brutally thought-out tiebreaker rules.

• Senegal played aggressively in their loss to Colombia but wound up being toast, while
• Japan played passively in falling, 0-1, to the Poles and became butter as a reward.

 

The Samurai Blue spent most of this match literally waiting for the game to come to them. It resulted in a few chances, but Poland 'keeper Lukas Fabianski was never really challenged.

The best attempt came from the Europeans vai Kamil Grosicki’s header, which was brilliantly saved by Japan’s keeper Eiji Kawashima.

Japan came outta the intermission seemingly even more comfortable playing for a draw. Poland, on the other hand, was actually looking for goals, which was mighty noble of them.

In they 59th minute, they made it happen. Rafal Kurzawa’s free-kick found Jan Bednarek alone inside the box, and the Southampton fullback produced his first-ever international strike:

So much for the win.

Japan and Senegal finished group play with the same number of points, goals scored, and goals conceded:

However, those little superscript-a's indicate that Akira Nishino’s side received only four yellow cards while the Africans received six.

With that, Japan would up in second place, advancing to the Round of 16.

 

In the past, FIFA has tried dumber stuff, the most ridiculous being goal average, where goals scored were divided by goals conceded.

Except none of their bright lights realized it's impossible to divide a number by zero.

 

It's almost enough to make one miss the Germans.

With die Mannschaft outta the bracket for the first time in history, chaos has descended upon the World Cup.

The Apocalypse beckons.