Listen to Your Mother: A BoSox Celebrant's Cautionary Tale
Mom always said ...
- Don't play ball in the house, and
- Always wear clean underwear, ‘cause
- You just never, never know!
If only I had heeded her advice.
So my BoSox had just won the World Series and I was making rather merry, if you know what I mean. I took the precaution of chaining myself to the radiator in the bathroom during the 7th-inning stretch. That way, no matter what happened during the night, I'd be sure to wake up within the confines of my pile o' bricks and not in the county lock-up or the hospital again.
It's a bit foggy, but the last thing I can recall about that night was seeing Carlos Beltràn at the plate and wondering aloud about how freakishly large his melon seemed to be. And maybe that 10 pounds the camera is supposed to add went straight to his gourd. Was there any doubt the Series would end after six games? Carlos had places to be, like flyin' outta every pumpkin patch on the planet in order to distribute presents to all the good girls and boys on Halloween. Everything kinda goes blank after that ... probably because the whiffle ball bat-sized joint that I'd laced with embalming fluid started kicking in.
The next thing I knew for sure was when I opened my eyes and saw this doctor-type dude standing over me with a bone-saw. I sat upright and attempted to gather my bearings, only to realize that this guy was about to perform an autopsy on me. I said, "Hey doc, would you excuse me?" I grabbed the first pair of underwear I saw, and as I left, I remember wishing that I had one of those camera phones handy because the look on this guy’s face when I woke up on that table would have won like nine Pulitzer Prizes.
Speaking of autopsies, anyone notice that the outgoing MLB commissioner, Bud Selig, kicked off his ‘farewell’ tour during the post-series pomp and circumstance? He originally made mention of the fact he would not be returning as MLB’s top shot-caller during this past season. Apparently, he didn’t want to impede or take away from the swell racket Mariano had running for himself during what was his swan song around MLB.
I remember noticing that the different teams around the league presented Mo with pretty standard retirement-type gifts. Fishing poles and rocking chairs; the Geritol, Viagra, and oxygen tanks were nice touches, but the Player’s Union went outside the box -- while raising a few eyebrows, as well -- when they presented Bud with a coffin. Personally, I found that to be outstanding because it works on so many levels.
Maybe I was a bit jealous. Here this guy gets a nice, custom-made coffin from his peers. Yet did anyone I know think to call the morgue to inquire of my whereabouts from 29 October to 6 November?
Bud definitely looks ready to retire, though. As a matter of fact, he looks like he's about to retire to the bone garden any minute. He did his yearly post-season awards presentation, but it was during the subsequent interview with Bob Costas that he really showed his age. I didn't think he was going for that ‘skeleton-with-a-couple-rolls-of masking tape-wrapped around it’ look, but he totally nailed it regardless. The only thing worse was that ‘hair-do’ he was sporting, like he had it styled in a cotton-candy machine.
Tune in next week, thrill-seekers, when I discuss this year’s Cy Young and Cy Onara award winners for the 2013 season.