The Vonn Traps: Tiger Woods' Prenuptial Aims to Avoid Literal and Financial Hits
When The Daily Player heard it rumoured Tiger Woods was considering a marriage proposal to non-Playboy model, non-nightclub promoter, non-teenage neighbour, Lindsey Vonn, they sent their crack investigative team to, you know ... investigate. And like Elin Nordegren, they hit pay dirt: the prenup Tiger has authored to prevent any damage in case the unthinkable happens and the outrageously happy couple split. Here are the important bits:
THIS AGREEMENT MADE IN TRIPLICATE THIS 17th day of May, 2013
Tiger 'No, Not The Face' Woods
Lindsey 'Snow Suits Are Meh' Vonn
- In the event of a separation, Vonn will be entitled to bugger-all. Any challenge to this arrangement can only be initiated by Federal laws and TMZ zoom lenses.
- In the event of a separation, Vonn may re-marry any of the following: Sergio Garcia, Steve Williams, Sir Nick Faldo, or the makers of 'South Park'.
- Should Woods be found cheating again, he will be entitled to an illegal drop. He will not be disqualified from the marriage under any circumstances.
- The parties acknowledge that Woods has two children from his previous relationship, namely: Tag and Heuer. The parties further acknowledge that in the event of a separation, any rights and obligations of the parties relating to the children, including the issues of child support, custody and access, will be governed by whether a piss-poor apology can entice them to stick around.
- This Agreement may only be terminated or amended by the re-animated corpse of Ben Hogan.