The Vonn Traps: Tiger Woods' Prenuptial Aims to Avoid Literal and Financial Hits

When The Daily Player heard it rumoured Tiger Woods was considering a marriage proposal to non-Playboy model, non-nightclub promoter, non-teenage neighbour, Lindsey Vonn, they sent their crack investigative team to, you know ... investigate. And like Elin Nordegren, they hit pay dirt: the prenup Tiger has authored to prevent any damage in case the unthinkable happens and the outrageously happy couple split. Here are the important bits:

THIS AGREEMENT MADE IN TRIPLICATE THIS 17th day of May, 2013

BETWEEN:

Tiger 'No, Not The Face' Woods

And

Lindsey 'Snow Suits Are Meh' Vonn

1. In the event of a separation, Vonn will be entitled to bugger-all. Any challenge to this arrangement can only be initiated by Federal laws and TMZ zoom lenses.
2. In the event of a separation, Vonn may re-marry any of the following: Sergio Garcia, Steve Williams, Sir Nick Faldo, or the makers of 'South Park'.
3. Should Woods be found cheating again, he will be entitled to an illegal drop. He will not be disqualified from the marriage under any circumstances.
4. The parties acknowledge that Woods has two children from his previous relationship, namely: Tag and Heuer. The parties further acknowledge that in the event of a separation, any rights and obligations of the parties relating to the children, including the issues of child support, custody and access, will be governed by whether a piss-poor apology can entice them to stick around.
5. This Agreement may only be terminated or amended by the re-animated corpse of Ben Hogan.