The Bronx Is Burning ...

... And so is Mariano's rectum!

Wow! I never thought I would live to see the day that John Sterling would live to see this day!

Last week, the Detroit Lumber Company put the wood to Mo in such a way that it appeared as though he was being gang raped on the mound in front of some 55,000 people. For the first time in his career, Rivera blew three consecutive saves. Adding insult to injury, after the Motown Murderers Row was finished running a train on Mo, he was taken by ambulance to the ER at New York's Presbyterian Hospital where he was to undergo an emergency 'anal reconstruction' surgery.

That was until the Yankee's insurance provider informed team officials that 'anal reconstruction' was considered to be a 'cosmetic' procedure and therefore would not be covered under Mo's insurance plan.

So now it appears Mo will be left holding the bag, having to shell out $200,000 of his own dough for them to build him a new ass.

How about this statistic: In one three-game series vs New York, Miguel Cabrera used his stick to violate the no-fly zone airspace above NYC, the ozone layer, and Mariano Rivera's ass. Which as far as I'm concerned, is the real Triple Crown.

Good for you, Miguel!

Well, as heartwarming as it was to watch the Tigers rip the stuffins' out of Mariano Rivera, it was also a beautiful thing to see Detroit leave a huge smoking hole where "The House that Ruth ..." Oh! ... I mean, "The House that the Taxpayer's Built" once stood.

That being said, in order to take the focus off the reeling Yanks this past week, various New York sports-talk shows switched gears to discuss a breaking news story out of Washington linking Yankee mouthpiece John Sterling to the efforts of the USA's 'war on terror.'

Sources within the Pentagon have confirmed what most of us probably already knew. The American military has been using Sterling's play-by-play calls to torture detainees in facilities known for interrogating prisoners around the world. Human rights groups are protesting that, in any language, the sound of John Sterling's voice being blared through an elaborate amplification system into a detainee's darkened cell was voted 'Least Favorite Torture' in a recent poll of surviving inmates.

'Waterboarding' and 'blow torching the genitals' finished a distant second and third, respectively.

Upon being reached for comment in response to that his voice is being used to kill people, Sterling was quoted as saying "I'm happy to help in such matters ... just as long as Mr Steinbrenner says it's OK."

He went on to say that he would discuss the matter further later that evening with Big Stein's corpse, which Sterling keeps propped up in a rocking chair in the room his mother used to occupy at his family estate. But that is a whole 'nother story for another day.

Another 'celebrity' of note identified as an additional voice being used as the perfect weapon for rendition victims was Fran Drescher. Apparently, her one-woman recital of The Vagina Monologues is another favorite tool of interrogators, although it is said to have accounted for multiple detainee suicides and its further implementation is currently under review by human rights activists around the world.

Tune in next week when we discuss the home run ball Prince Fielder hit off Mo Rivera that lodged itself in the engine of a passing airliner, which subsequently crashed into Sheepshead Bay.