Uruguay Advances in World Cup, Should Consider Joining NHL

Uruguay won the first World Cup in 1930.

It was a different game back then. One that would've put a tear of joy in a rugby player's eye. Or yes, even a hockey player's.

But Italy was no shrinking violent back then, either. Here's an account of their 1-1 draw against Spain in the 1934 World Cup, hosted by Il Duce Benito Mussolini's fascist regime:

It was one of the most physical games of the tournament, and Belgian referee Louis Baert "let many fouls go unpunished." Many argue that this officiating played to the favor of the Italians. Gianni Brera, an Italian football journalist, later wrote of the match, "the referee Baert behaved as if he was well aware where the game was taking place."

For the most part, Italy has moved on. Uruguay, not so much. Los Charrúas has more elbows than a stadium's restrooms, and no one would be surprised if they sharpened their knees.

And now, it's possible that at least one of them sharpens his teeth. Enter The Cannibal, Luis Suárez:

 

Giorgio Chiellini may not have been amused, but he should hardly have been surprised.

Gotta admit, though, the dude may be serial, but he's also versatile:

 

Still, while Suárez valiantly held up his country's end on one site's World Cup All-Asshole team, the Italians placed two on it. To no one's shock, Mario Balotelli was one of them. And make no mistake, he set a high bar -- literally -- for Suárez earlier in the match, drawing his second yellow of the competition:

 

And for all the clutching, punching, grabbing tactics of the South American villains, only one red card got flashed. Italy's Claudio Marchisio was rung up for being a bit too caught up in the spirit of things:

By the way, Uruguay later took a moment to score against the ten Azzurri and advance to the bracket stage. Captain Diego Godín apparently couldn't find anything else to head butt:

Moral of the match: Don't get into a slugfest with the masters.

And watch for a Luis Suárez football skills camp coming to a pitch near you. Oh, the lessons to be learned!