Men in the Box: Do England's Prostitutes Hold the Key to Glory?
During the just-concluded African Cup of Nations tournament, Nigeria were provided with extra incentive to claim their first title since 1994. Prior to the quarter-final with favoured Ivory Coast, the Association of Nigerian Prostitutes (ANP) declared a week of free sex in the event of the home team going all the way. The Super Eagles duly ran the table, overcoming Burkina Faso 1-0 in the final on a wonderful moment of magic from Sunday Mba. Details of the resulting week of "celebration" - when, where, how many international flights go direct to Abuja - are yet to be determined, but one question has emerged from the milieu:
Could a similar commitment from England's sex workers spark a return to glory?
It would certainly represent a change in philosophy. In the past, St George's finest, particularly the captains, have tended to favour teammates' wives over hookers. The exploits of Wayne Rooney, though, provide some hope the oldest profession could end five decades of impotence from the Three Lions.
The English FA has not responded to calls for an immediate feasibility study. Rumour has it they are on their way to Abuja.