Soiled Reputation: Suspended Phil Kessel Is the New Spokesman for Depends

Published on 24-Sep-2013 by Xavier McSpaniel
NHL / NHL Daily Update

Soiled Reputation: Suspended Phil Kessel Is the New Spokesman for Depends

This morning, Phil Kessel was suspended the remainder of the NHL preseason for his Hassan Chop during the Leafs-Sabres love-in Sunday night. There was, however, a silver lining to the decision:

Kessel is the new face of Depends.

"We're absolutely thrilled with the partnership", said a publicist for the company. "It's a great day for hockey and incontinence.

"When we saw the fight, saw Phil soil himself on the brink of impending violence, we were excited. Very excited. It's a good thing we were wearing our product at the time."    

Contact was immediately made with Kessel's agent and a deal struck within the hour. Full details of the contract have not yet been made available to The Daily Player, but we can confirm use of the Depends 'Protection for Men' line during games is built into it.

"It'll become a natural part of his equipment routine," added the publicist, "Skates, pads, stick ... diaper ...

"It makes sense ... You saw what went down. That was no act; he genuinely sh*t his pants out there."     

Kessel joins a Depends stable of leaky sports stars that includes former NHL pissant PJ Stock and legendary NFL skidmarker Tony Siragusa. It is unknown at this point if Kessel intends to exchange jersey numbers with Leafs' teammate Mark Fraser.

Table 'dailypla_database.metrics_robots' doesn't exist