Goon Baby Goon: Transcript of John Scott's Audition for Role in NHL

Published on 24-Oct-2013 by Xavier McSpaniel

NHL    NHL Daily Update

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Goon Baby Goon: Transcript of John Scott's Audition for Role in NHL

NHL: Next ... Okay, what's your name?

JS: Jonathan Emeritus Nobel Prize Scott.

NHL: Height?

JS: Eight feet, four inches.

NHL: Weight?

JS: Three hundred and eighty-five pounds.

NHL: Can you skate?

JS: Not much.

NHL: Pass?

JS: Pass.

NHL: Stick handle?

JS: Never heard of it.

NHL: Score?

JS: Occasionally.

NHL: Occasionally?

JS: Very occasionally.

NHL: Very occasionally?

JS: Okay, never.

NHL: Great … Now, do you fight?

JS: All the time, but only because I have to. Little wuss the other day chopped me like he was the lead in American Psycho.

NHL: And you're auditioning for the role of ...?

JS: Superstar goal sniper.

NHL: Okay then. (Hands over sheet). Can you read these lines, please?

JS: These lines?

NHL: Yes, those … Is there a problem?

JS: Well, it’s just that these are the lines of the … goon.

NHL: We think you’re a perfect fit for that role in the show.

JS: But everyone hates the goon.

NHL: Only sane people.

JS: They say he has no place in the game. They want to get rid of him.

NHL: Bah! No way. The goon will always be special to us. Cross our hearts and hope to be called ‘Olympic Hockey’.

JS: I don’t know.

NHL: Look, read the scripted lines. We think you’ll feel differently after you do.

JS: Alright, here goes ... I’m a hockey player. I go out there and I play my game. I’m physical. I hit. That’s my role. Like, I’m not going to score a million goals. I get frustrated when people say I’m a goon and this and that. I have a role. I do it.

NHL: There, how do you feel now?

JS: Lousy, actually.

NHL: Excellent! The role is yours. Our representative, Mr Shanahan, will be in touch soon with a contract offer. Until then, continue acting like a hockey player and try not to do anything stupid.

JS: Like score a goal?

NHL: Precisely.