Goon Baby Goon: Transcript of John Scott's Audition for Role in NHL
NHL: Next ... Okay, what's your name?
JS: Jonathan Emeritus Nobel Prize Scott.
NHL: Can you skate?
JS: Not much.
NHL: Stick handle?
JS: Never heard of it.
JS: Very occasionally.
NHL: Very occasionally?
JS: Okay, never.
NHL: Great … Now, do you fight?
JS: All the time, but only because I have to. Little wuss the other day chopped me like he was the lead in American Psycho.
NHL: And you're auditioning for the role of ...?
JS: Superstar goal sniper.
NHL: Okay then. (Hands over sheet). Can you read these lines, please?
JS: These lines?
NHL: Yes, those … Is there a problem?
JS: Well, it’s just that these are the lines of the … goon.
NHL: We think you’re a perfect fit for that role in the show.
JS: But everyone hates the goon.
NHL: Only sane people.
JS: They say he has no place in the game. They want to get rid of him.
NHL: Bah! No way. The goon will always be special to us. Cross our hearts and hope to be called ‘Olympic Hockey’.
JS: I don’t know.
NHL: Look, read the scripted lines. We think you’ll feel differently after you do.
JS: Alright, here goes ... I’m a hockey player. I go out there and I play my game. I’m physical. I hit. That’s my role. Like, I’m not going to score a million goals. I get frustrated when people say I’m a goon and this and that. I have a role. I do it.
NHL: There, how do you feel now?
JS: Lousy, actually.
NHL: Excellent! The role is yours. Our representative, Mr Shanahan, will be in touch soon with a contract offer. Until then, continue acting like a hockey player and try not to do anything stupid.
JS: Like score a goal?