Curler Justifies Why His Olympic Team Is Only Kinda Russia

OK, this isn't as absurd as Nancy Kerrigan getting kneecapped to move her outta the way.

Still, an Olympic curler from the Kinda Russia team getting done for doping is beyond ridiculous.

And for the same substance -- meldonium -- that got Maria Sharapova suspended.

Those who don't learn from history ...

 

Just know that curling's a big deal in countries that have more ice than bowling alleys, plus Minnesota.

If their teams don't win Olympic medals -- and in Norway's case, acclaim from fashionistas -- inquiries will be held. So the pressure's on, and it takes a toll.

As in, the second time's not a charm, either:

 

So, where's the exertion in curling?

Well, the stone they throw weighs 42lb/19kg, and you try scurrying down a slick surface while sweeping like Cinderella's stepmother is on her way with bad intentions.

 

The hell of it is, melanomium doesn't exactly provide a rush, but it apparently has its perks. Odds are, though, dude didn't gain any competitive advantage from it.

But he and his ilk did condemn his comrades to a sorta nameless Olympics, which forced their hockey team to wear sweaters that look even dumber than what Nike designed for some of the other squads.

Dudes woulda been better off making a bulk buy at the Olympic Community College bookstore in Bremerton, Wa:

It beats something that looks like my parents went to the Olympics and all I got was this lousy jersey.

Then again, it might trigger the Boy Named Sue effect and piss the team off enough that they'll win the gold medal outta spite alone.

Nothing else has worked for Russia in Olympic hockey in recent history, so if they do win it -- and no hockey players were on the suspended list from the Sochi shenanigans -- maybe they should thank the crooked curler for re-opening an old wound.

Then again, maybe not.