Putin Your Pocket: The Real Reason the Russian President Stole a Super Bowl Ring

This much we know: in 2005, during a chin-wag with American business delegates, Russian head-of-state Vladimir Putin nicked the Super Bowl ring of New England Patriots owner, Robert Kraft.

True, the President has denied the deed, but at an awards gala last Thursday in New York, Kraft was pretty clear in summing up how the heist went down:

"I took out the ring and showed it to [Putin]. And he put it on and he goes, 'I can kill someone with this ring' ... I put my hand out and he put it in his pocket, and three KGB guys got around him and walked out."

Stacey James, a Kraft Group spokesperson for the miffed and maudlin Pats' owner, tried to brush off the barney today, stating: "It's a humorous, anecdotal story that Robert retells for laughs ... "and " ... He continues to have great respect for Russia and the leadership of President Putin." Footage of Kraft taking out his frustrations on an unsuspecting intern later in the day would suggest otherwise.

Ignoring the circumstances -- criminal or congenial -- of the ring's change of hands, the motivation for Putin's light fingers are more obvious than an all-girl punk band's right to free speech:

He wants real power.

He wants to spy on others without real consequences. He wants to manhandle minions any time he feels the need. Best of all, he wants to secure absolute control of God.

He wants to be be Bill Belichick, aka The Devil.

We at the Daily Player wish Mr Putin good luck with this endeavour, and we look forward to submitting unreservedly to his Dark Lord-ness at the appropriate time.