NFL Snark Rankings: Weeks 13-14

I'm back 
I'm back in the saddle again

~ Aerosmith

If ever there were weeks when we can throw out the records, the past two rammed the point home like no other.

The Oakland Raiders, fresh off their first victory in over a calendar year, put up a complete dud in St. Louis, losing to the Rams 52-0. A 38-0 halftime deficit proved to be insurmountable as the Raiders dropped to 1-11 on the year.

Their bay area rivals didn’t fare any better on Thanksgiving night against the Seahawks, as the 49ers looked about as productive on offense as an office worker forced to come in the day after Thanksgiving while everybody else was beating each other for cheap TV’s at Wal-Mart.

People! People! Leave that to the professionals!

Wait a minute, that would involve the Raiders. And the 49ers.

Well, then. Carry on.

Maybe Jim Harbaugh needs to start scouting at Wal-Mart. The Niners must’ve been furious watching Seahawks QB Russell Wilson and CB Richard Sherman eating turkey on the 49ers logo at midfield after the game, while Michelle Tafoya egged them on with questions that would be considered, leading a witness in a court of law.

Meanwhile, in the Niners' locker room, Michael Crabtree was busy eating crow.

Well, they're still not making plays and showing their experience in losing. Like to the Raiders.

With only three weeks left, the races are getting tight, except at the bottom. Oakland seriously hindered the tanking chatter. Nobody can even hold a candle to how the 76ers tank, as the Raiders just proved.

1.      Oakland Raiders (2-11) – What the hell. If the College Football Playoff Selection Committee can grade down for non-quality wins, so can we. San Francisco was a popular pre-season Super Bowl pick, but it's not now. Prior to that, the Rams showed Oakland how stout their defense can be with stud DE Chris Long returning from injury. They also showed off their cache of weapons with RB Tre Mason scoring three TD’s, QB Shaun Hill running for one, and somebody named Cory Harkey getting into the mix. For the Raiders, that Niners win could be the capper for them, as their remaining schedule looks brutal: vs 49ers, at Chiefs, vs Bills, at Broncos. I don’t know what to tell their front office or scouting department. Maybe trade the No 1 overall pick to a team desperate for a QB, like the Redskins, and stock up on future draft picks. Oakland needs help at every position except QB. I like the looks of that Carr kid. That’s not David Carr, is it? Ahhh, the younger brother.

2.  Washington Redskins (3-10) – Talk about rubbing salt into the wound, if there's any salt left after whipping up mash potatoes and stuffing on Thanksgiving and then  getting the stuffing knocked out of them over the next two games. The Redskins found out quickly that they should’ve mortgaged their future for Andrew Luck and not Robert Griffin III, not that the Colts were willing to give up the No 1 pick (I wouldn’t have either). Reports have surfaced all week that the players don’t like RGIII, the head coach will likely resign before ever playing RGIII in a game that counts, and HOFer Fran Tarkenton said He’ll never make it. However, Rams head coach Jeff Fischer stated that RGIII is too talented to be done in the NFL. And then he makes the troll move of the season:

Yep, each one of the Rams captains was a player they obtained in the Griffin trade. Well played, coach. And speaking of that, well played, St Louis.

3.  Tennesee Tuxedos (2-11) – Things have quickly spiraled out of control in Nashville -- except for the Preds; zounds! -- kinda like Uncle Bob’s waist line after Thanksgiving dinner. Clearly Tuxes management wasn’t listening when I requested more of Bishop Sankey. 10 carries for 42 yards just isn’t going to cut it from a team that has a track record of producing some pretty darn good rootin’ tootin’ RB’s over the years (Eddie George, Chris Johnson). Of course, when you allow 6 TD passes to Texans backup QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, perhaps getting some players that can cover opponents would be helpful, like Texans DE JJ Watt who caught his third TD pass of the season in Week 13.

Watt now has three more than Chiefs WR have on the season! Tennessee Titans rookie QB Zach Mettenberger hurt his shoulder, and unfortunately the Tuxedos had to turn to maligned QB Jake Locker who quickly threw two picks and showed why they’ve had to turn to a rookie. But that's not working out too well, either, for both the Tuxes and the rookie.

4.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-11) – Tough games for the Buccos. They nearly pulled off an upset against the Bungals, but remain winless at Raymond James Stadium (0-6) because they can't count. Then there was the usual routine beatdown at the paws of the Lions. Very interesting scenario remains for Tampa Bay. Because they play in one of the worst divisions in NFL history, at 2-11, they could still win the division or possibly get the No 1 overall pick in the draft. Decisions, decisions, like do they go right for the drumstick or get table scraps? Better try their luck with the wishbone, but remember to let it dry out for 24-48 hours. However, if the moment is right ...

5.  New York Giants (4-9) – This one's a revenge pick. If you’re an avid fantasy football player -- and statistics illustrate that you are; jump on FanDuel, dudes! --  you'll know that starting players from any team playing Jacksonville this season has proven to be a steady and reliable formula, like Grandma Helen’s mincemeat pie récipe over decades. However, if you’re the 2014 New York Giants, you're not to be trusted and looked upon with skepticism like a four-year-old at that bowl of yams. Those ain’t potatoes. You see, I picked up the Giants defense in one fantasy football league, only to be completely spurned as the team I left on the bench outscored the Giants. Crikey, I should’ve picked up the Jaguars' defense since it returned two fumble recoveries for TD’s and sacked Eli Manning four times. So, I don't care that the G-men crushed the Tuxes for their first win since Tom Coughlin died of a burst carotid artery after the Jags game. Oh ... he didn't? Really?

There were so many other possibilities to consider for the weekly Snark Rankings, too. Apologies to the Carolina Panthers, New York Jets, and Chicago Bears. Maybe next week their snark luck will turn around. Still, some clubs may not want it to turn around very much, since this is such a deep draft class that having a Top Five pick could really improve a franchise's fortunes.

For most of these teams, it’s maintaining the status quo like a stubborn Charlie Brown thinking that Lucy will really hold that ball for him this time.

Keep trying Chuck; you’ll hit it one of these days.