NFL Snark Rankings: Week 7
It's the same ol', same ol' situation
It's the same ol', same ol' ball and chain
Just like a punch in the teeth
Or a swan dive to the street
SOS ~ Mötley Crüe
First of all, let's get this out of the way right now:
Those two vowels with umlauts? The northern Europeans of this world know they make the band's name pronounciation Muttley Crew-eh. Sheesh. We'll just write this phonetic tragedy off to the drugs.
And dudes, get the helicopter back to Texas A&M right now! Sumlin needs to step up his recruiting, big time.
The tune's fitting here, though, because now there's only one.
With the Jaguars' stunning win over the Browns, that leaves the Oakland Raiders as the only winless team left after seven weeks of play. The 2008 Detroit Lions' alumni must be waiting anxiously to pop the champagne in the same style as the 1972 Miami Dolphins celebrate the last undefeated team to lose.
Who knows when the Raiders will be celebrating? If ever. Perhaps another No 1 overall pick will get the fan base rejuvenated. At least the fans don’t need to go shopping for new Halloween costumes.
Oakland travels to Cleveland to take on a Browns team that was just embarrassed by the Jags, so to say the home team will be a little fired up is an understatement. Maybe the Raiders should just give interim head coach Tony Sparano the full-time job to save themselves the trouble. Heck, Tony Soprano would be a fine choice at this point.
The top spot in the Snark Rankings is the Raiders' to lose, which won’t happen until they win, which may be a net loss if it causes them to lose the No 1 pick in the draft. Moving to Los Angeles may be a win-win for everybody involved. Raiders and win included in the same sentence. Ironic, don’t you think?
1. Oakland Raiders (0-6) – Stop when you see a winnable game on their remaining schedule: at Cleveland, at Seattle, vs Denver, at San Diego, vs Kansas City, at St Louis, vs San Francisco, at Kansas City, vs Buffalo, at Denver. 0-16, here we come. Too bad the Raiders drafted a QB last year, because Jameis Winston would look great in the Silver and Black. There has to be another suitable degenerate out there.
2. Cleveland Browns (3-3) – Normally, a team with a .500 record wouldn’t show up in the Snark Rankings, but with their performance in JaxTown on Sunday, only the Raiders are keeping them from the top spot. QB Brian Hoyer was dreadful, and head coach Mike Pettine's already had to issue a statement Monday afternoon that Hoyer was 'firmly our QB' and that rookie QB Johnny Football would not be getting the start this week. One more performance like that, though, and Heeere’s Johnny!
Cleveland struggled badly on offense for the first time this year, eking out just two field goals. They should get off the schneid next week against the Raiders. It’s just what the doctor ordered.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6) – What a pleasant surprise the Jaguars turned in, peeling off an impressive 24-6 victory over the Browns. Even with QB Blake Bortles throwing three INT’s, Jax found its running game with Denard Robinson rushing for 127 yards and a score. RB Storm Johnson added another rushing TD, and Bortles was second on the team in rushing yards. The defense really stepped up. Unfortunately, they lost MLB Paul Posluszny for the remainder of the season. It must feel good for this team to experience the thrill of victory. They definitely know what the agony of defeat is like! The Jags host Sunshine State rivals Miami in Week 8. Could this be the beginning of a winning streak?
4. New York Jets (1-6) – The Jets played a competitive game against the Patriots on Thursday night, losing 25-27 on a blocked field goal attempt in the waning seconds. They made bigger news off the field on Friday by pulling off a shocking trade with the Seahawks for WR Percy Harvin. Trades in the NFL are about as rare as a T206 Honus Wagner tobacco card, so this was truly headline news late Friday afternoon. It amounted to a company firing an employee by giving him the pink slip late in the day when nobody would notice. It clearly had an effect on Seahawks players, as they lost to the Rams. Several prominent players tweeted their displeasure because, you know, only official team statements are posted on Twitter. What happened to print journalism? The Jets can obviously use a player like Harvin since they rank second to last in passing yards per game. It’s doubtful they’ll use him in RB formations, as the two-headed monster of Chris Ivory and Chris Johnson has been extremely effective. Why not a three-headed monster?
5. Tennessee Tuxedos (2-5) – There were a couple of other teams that could’ve occupied the final spot in the Snark Rankings this week, like the Bengals getting shut out by the Colts or the Falcons getting dominated by the Ravens, or even the Buccaneers who had a bye -- and it still seemed like a loss -- but the Tuxes lost, 19-17, to a fellow Snark contender in the Redskins. Now, this wasn’t a bad showing at FedEx Field, but what made the loss truly devastating was third-string QB Colt McCoy's first pass of the second half resulted in a 70 yard TD pass to WR DeSean Jackson. Really, the main reason the Tuxes often find themselves here week after week is they're running QB Charlie Whitehurst out there. This is the best backup QB they could find on the street? Do they know that Terrelle Pryor is available? Vince Young isn’t doing much these days. Hopefully, for Tux fans, QB Jake Locker can come back quickly from his hand injury, and maybe Whitehurst will develop a hand injury.
Week 8 presents even more opportunities for change. There are several matchups that will shape the Snark Rankings. We’ve already discussed the Raiders at Browns, which will be competing with the Vikings at Buccaneers, Dolphins at Jaguars, Texans at Tuxedos, Bills at Jets, and then Monday Night Football presents the Redskins at Cowboys.
It’s not all bad, however, as there are several marquée matchups, starting with the Chargers at Broncos on Thursday Night Football and continuing to the Sunday slate of Seahawks at Panthers, Bears at Patriots, Packers at Saints, Ravens at Bengals, Colts at Steelers, and my favorite matchup, the Eagles at Cardinals.
Apologies for getting off topic by discussing good football teams, since they’re not mentioned here very often. It’s feels a bit like mixing oil and water.