NFL Snark Rankings: Week 3

Published on 25-Sep-2013 by bpfiester

Football - NFL    NFL Daily Opinion

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NFL Snark Rankings: Week 3

Well, well, well. Wasn’t that a pleasant surprise.

After Week 3 in the NFL, there have to be some nervous coaches, what with the hot seat spewing out radiant heat like a volcanic geyser, eh, Tom Coughlin?

The Giants marched into Carolina and promptly got shut out, 38-0, with Eli Manning looking about as bad as he’s ever looked, quantified by a 7.2 quarterback rating (QBR). Whether or not we understand what in the name of Pete Rozelle goes into that formula, that's a major ouch!

There was never a moment in that game where you thought the Giants might mount a comeback or even get into field goal range. No, the Panthers dominated on defense -- without the need to call upon strippers swinging champagne bottles -- racking up seven sacks and two interceptions.

Luke Kuechly is one of my favorite young players in the game today and makes me want to draft individual defensive players next year in fantasy football!

This week’s Snark rankings feature some movers and shakers, with the Giants getting blown out, sitting at 0-3, and heading to Kansas City for Game No 4. Then there's that Brownie juggernaut from Cleveland traveling to the Twin Cities and really dominating the Vikings from the get go. That wouldn't have happened 1000 years ago.

Week 4 is sure to bring just as much excitement with the hapless Steelers playing the Vikings in London. That did happen 1000 years ago, except steel hadn't been invented yet. No matter, the Vikings beat the snot out of them back then, too. And would somebody please tell the players that a right proper pint of ale is consumed in mass quanities by ruggers who dare their padded brethren to do the same.

  1. Jacksonville Jaguars – Leading up to last weekend's game, there was talk that it might be a trap game for the Seahawks because they had such an emotional, dominant game against San Francisco that there might be a letdown. Well, the Seahawks proved the critics wrong and beat the Jaguars handily, 45-17. Come to think of it, that might have been a letdown. After all, it was the Jags! Being a 20-point favorite doesn't happen very often in the NFL, and as is typical with jaded Northwestern sports fans, the talk of the town is that the Jaguars actually scored 17 points against the vaunted Seattle defense. Believe me, I’m right with you, as I benched Maurice Jones-Drew in my fantasy football league, thinking he would get completely shut down, especially with an injured foot. Cecil Shorts looks like a solid ballplayer. There, I found something nice to say about the 2013 Jacksonville Jaguars. Cherish the moment, because it's fleeting.
  2. Tampa Bay BuccaneersYowza! The only thing good that came out of this game is Kenbrell Thompkins, the new 'flavor of the week' waiver wire transaction for fantasy football leagues around the world. Josh Freeman only managed a 28.2 QBR because he was forced to throw so much after falling behind early. The Buccaneers must have one of the toughest schedules in the NFL, since their home game against the Cardinals suddenly doesn’t look like a gimmie. It’s either win this week or at home against Buffalo in Week 14. It’s going to be a long winter in Tampa unless the Rays and Lightning can take the focus off a horrendous football team! If Bruce the Buc was still on their helmets, this squad would have wilted that tangerine plume of his!
  3. Oakland Raiders – Much like the Jaguars performance against the Seahawks, people are asking the proverbial question: “How did the Raiders score 21 against the Broncos?” Nobody benefited more from Denver's dominating victory than myself. I picked the Broncos at the top of my confidence pool, followed by Seattle as a close second with 15 confidence points, Wes Welker helped my team to a victory in one league, and Eric Decker, Julius Thomas, and Matt Prater galloped my team to victory in another. If it weren’t for the Steelers-Vikings game in London, I would rate the Redskins at Raiders the sloppiest matchup for Week 4.  The more I think about it, the better Johnny Manziel would look in Silver & Black! He's already got the team's time-honored traditions down pat.
  4. New York Giants – Hokey smokes, Bullwinkle, that was a stink bomb!  After watching that game, the quote “If you don’t have something nice to say about somebody, don’t say anything at all” applies so appropriately, I rest my case!
  5. Pittsburgh Steelers – Outside of Antonio Brown, the Steelers' offense was dreadful. I pity any fantasy football owner of a Steelers RB. Not sure what’s going to happen in Wembley Stadium on Sunday; just try to leave the turf neat for the proper footballers come Monday, please.

Well there you have it, folks, another round of NFL games in the books. Hopefully you’re still alive in your survivor pool, and more importantly, you haven’t been eliminated from the fantasy football playoffs!

There are a couple of teams that could find themselves on this list next week depending on what happens. We're looking at you, Washington Redskins and Minnesota Vikings!

And kudos to the Cleveland Browns, who nobody in the universe gave a chance to win last weekend in Minnesota after trading last year’s first round draft pick, Trent Richardson, to the Indianapolis Colts. That white flag came down after the kickoff, though, as backup QB Brian Hoyer showed the Cleveland faithful that he was their quarterback of the future. The very near future, but that's about it.

The 2014 draft class has some very talented quarterbacks, so don’t expect Hoyer to be under center next season.  Brandon Weeden must be very nervous after Hoyer’s performance last week!  It’s got to be deflating to see your division rival, the Cincinnati Bengals, march into town and think to yourself, we really need to pattern our team after the Bengals. Yes, things have gotten that low in Cleveland!