NFL Snark Rankings: Week 2
Any given Sunday is the motto.
Believe it or not, we're actually talking about the games.
On the field.
With pads, which is more than we can say for some of the football-related stories last week.
Anyway, this Sunday rammed home that motto like a Mike Tolbert TD run.
The biggest upset of the day happened down where they're jackin' it on South Park ...
Yes, this time, the Chargers spanked the defending Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks, 30-21.
It wasn’t even really that close, as Seahawks WR Percy Harvin clearly stepped out of bounds on a 51-yard TD run. Still, taking a page from the SEC, neither the zebras nor the dimwits in charge of reviewing every scoring play in the media control room managed to see what the rest of Northern Tiajuana did.
For this we wait for those annoying reviews that come when they're not needed and don't when they are? It's a screwed-up league, even without all the other sideshows.
Elsewhere, the Washington Redskins officially have a QB controversy, as franchise savior RGIII went down with an ugly looking dislocated ankle.
So backup QB and proud Michigan State alum Kirk Cousins zapped right in and promptly shredded the Jaguars D for 41 points. In fact, it was such an impressive performance, Cousins kept his team out of the Snark Rankings and put Jacksonville in their place. That’s where the Jags should be.
Readers get treated to an early Week 2 Snark Ranking set since the Monday Night Football game has no bearing on the list this week. In fact, the Eagles and Colts have no chance of being in the Snark Rankings all year. You can take that to the bank!
1. Oakland Raiders – While scouring the waiver wire in one of my fantasy football leagues, I made a claim for the Texans' defense, even if they did lose stud DE Jadaveon Clowney for a couple of weeks. They still have JJ Watt and a host of other studs. Another owner beat me to the claim, so I was forced to go to the scrap heap and ended up with the Buccaneers' D, which I thought was a favorable matchup, hosting the Rams at home. It was difficult to tell yesterday's beatdown was a home game for the Raiders, as the Texans dominated in every aspect .Oakland only managed their two TDs in garbage time. Watt was such a force, he even lined up at TE and caught a TD pass. Can I pick up Watt as a TE for next week?
2. Jacksonville Jaguars – So much for the feel good story of the young season by almost beating Philadelphia last week. They made Kirk Cousins look like the second coming of Dan Marino. The Jaguars also allowed 10 sacks, which I’m not sure says more about the Redskins pass rush or less about the Jaguars OL. The upcoming schedule isn’t aligning in their favor, either, as they host the Colts, travel to San Diego, then host the Steelers. Could 0-5 be a possibility? Darn near a certainty.
3. New York Giants – Another newcomer to the Snark Rankings this week, as the Giants lost at home -- well, in New Jersey anyway -- to the Arizona Cardinals, who were without starting QB Carson Palmer. That’s right, the Cardinals were forced to use backup Drew Stanton and still won on the road in New York, or New Jersey, or the Meadowlands, or whatever they call it. Eli Manning continues to throw passes to players in different-colored uniforms. It’s one step forward, two steps back for this Manning brother. If he’s not careful, the Giants will be trading up for a QB in next year’s draft. Given their current trajectory, they may not even need to trade up.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – At some point this year, I have a feeling all three Florida teams will be in the Snark Rankings together. It may not be sustained success, but a small window of opportunity may open for the Dolphins to join their fellow Sunshine State compadres. It nearly happened this week, as Buffalo throttled Miami 29-10. But we’re here to talk about Bruce's Boys, not the other crappy Florida teams. As mentioned above, I was forced to take the Bucs D this week since I lost out on the Texans in a fantasy league, and they managed a whopping total of seven points. They were beaten by four Greg Zuerlein field goals. Remember what I said about the NFC Pro Bowl kickers? During halftime, long time star LB Derrick Brooks received his HOF Ring, was inducted in the Buccaneers Ring of Honor, and had his No 55 jersey retired. Yet, this couldn’t inspire you dudes enough to get a win at home against a team ready to fold up the tents and head home? Tampa Bay travels to Atlanta next week, where the Falcons should put up a ton of points. Time to scour the waiver wire again.
5. Kansas City Chiefs – Injuries have hit this team hard, and that's one of the most difficult challenges to overcome in the NFL. Almost as difficult as being the Kansas City Chiefs. LB Derrick Johnson was lost for the season in Week 1, and now RB Jamaal Charles and Pro Bowl FS Eric Berry left the game against the Broncos with ankle injuries. Watch backup RB Knile Davis to be the hot waiver wire pickup in fantasy leagues everywhere. The Broncos seemed to let up a bit in the second half, which was also an issue last week against the Colts. They'd better not pull this crap in Seattle next week, or they’re going to be humiliated again. Speaking of getting humiliated, the Chiefs get the Patriots, 49ers, and Chargers after going to South Beach next week. It’s going to be a long season at Arrowhead.
For what was a tumultuous week in the NFL, the games on Sunday were ultimately the focus and talk of the town. Unless you’re Seahawks CB Richard Sherman, who refused to speak to the media after the beatdown they suffered in the WV. Chargers WR Keenan Allen even referred to him as exposed and just a normal guy.
OK, so maybe Stan Marsh was the only one exposed in San Diego.
For the five teams atop the Snark Rankings, they were exposed as frauds; fraudulent professional football franchises, that is. We’ll find out early in Week 3 if these rankings remain the same; the Buccaneers play Thursday night, and the early Sunday games feature the Raiders, Jaguars, and Giants.
Perhaps feature isn’t the right verb.