NFL Snark Rankings: Week 14

The unthinkable has happened.

The Jacksonville Jaguars, winners -- Wow! Jags and winners in the same sentence! -- of three games in a row, have dropped out of the Top 5.  I don’t know what to say; I’m confounded and flabbergasted, just like you!

What is certain is that the Houston Texans remain on top, and with only three weeks remaining, can perhaps send scouts to the various college bowl games to do some early Christmas window shopping as to whom they want with the top pick in next April’s draft. 

You know why Houston is guaranteed to get the No 1 overall pick? Besides the fact they 1) travel to Indianapolis, 2) host Denver, and 3) end the season in Nashville, the Washington Redskins raided the henhouse to acquire Robert Griffin III and traded their first-round draft picks to the Rams. So if St. Louis picks second, the NFC West should be afraid, very afraid.

What does need to happen before April 2014 is the Texans have to hire a new head coach, since Thursday's stellar performance got Gary Kubiak canned. 'Way to go, Texans; there’s another contest you f’ed up for me, as I had Greg Schiano in the First Coach to Get Fired pool. There’s $10 I’ll never get back.

1. Houston Texans – 11 L’s in a row and they lost to Jacksonville twice, bumping them from the Snark Rankings and getting their head coach fired, all in the matter of a 48-hour period. The man suffered a heart attack earlier in the season, and after watching this performance, it’s no wonder. Enjoy Johnny Manziel. He has the it factor, and if they’re worried about whether his off-field antics will distract him from becoming a megastar in the NFL, then they haven’t been paying attention to diva athletes over the past 15-20 years. The only player whose career was ruined by off-field incidents was Aaron Hernandez. OJ Simpson doesn’t count because he was already retired when he jumped in that white Bronco. How about those Rockets?
2. Washington Redskins – Talk about a team that could use a high draft pick. This week, it was the special teams that were particularly awful as the Chiefs won, 45-10, and ran back both a punt and kickoff return for a TD. Thankfully, I have the Chiefs' D on my fantasy team, and they were the highest-scoring player. Guess who was second? Jamaal Charles, who ran for 151 yards on 19 carries and added TD's on the ground and through the air. The Redskins were so bad that Chase Daniel made an appearance, relieving QB Alex Smith in the fourth quarter.  A report during the week said head coach Mike Shanahan was ready to quit after last season. Well, Mike, I don’t think you have to worry about drafting your resignation letter this year.    
3. Atlanta Falcons – Before the season started, some experts predicted the Falcons would represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. No word on whether or not these 'experts' still have a job in the sportswriting profession, but I’m beefing up my résumé as we speak. At the start of the season, the Miss Cleos of the NFL world would look at this matchup with the Packers and easily predict that it may be flexed onto Sunday Night Football, since these were two of the top teams in the NFC from last year. Well, an Aaron Rodgers shoulder injury here and a Julio Jones foot injury there, and this game was a dud. Matt Ryan got outplayed by Matt Flynn. That is all you need to know.  Next!
4. Minnesota Vikings – How can a team featuring Adrian Peterson be so incompetent? Well, twisting his foot awkwardly is a good start. Blame the refs, the fans throwing snowballs at AP, and still having Christian Ponder at QB. At least his wife is hot, and Ponder knows how to show a lady a good time by taking her to Arby’s on their wedding night. Currently sitting at 3-9-1, they play the Eagles, Bengals, and Lions the rest of the way.  3-12-1 has a nice ring to it, right?
5. Buffalo Bills – Admittedly, this was one of the most difficult choices in the Snark Rankings all year. There are currently five teams at 4-9, and since we’ve already established that the Jaguars won’t be gracing us with their presence, I chose the Bills mainly because they got dominated by a previous Snark Rankings mainstay, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. After watching Monday Night Football, it’s tempting to give the five-seed to the Cowboys, but they’re only a game out of first place. Four INT’s from EJ Manuel is unacceptable at this stage of his development. If the Bills wanted a scrambling rookie QB that threw INT’s like fish at Pike Place Market, they could’ve drafted Geno Smith. Thankfully for fans of the greater Buffalo area, they only have two professional teams to despise. What? You think the Buffalo Bisons count?

Week 14 produced some wild results and even wilder story lines, but action never sleeps in the NFL unless something is under further review. Week 15 provides a Clash of the Titans matchup with Washington at Atlanta and Buffalo at Jacksonville. 

They charge full price for those tickets?