NFL Snark Rankings: Week 10
Week 10 of the NFL season produced a couple of upsets, most notably, the Jets astonishingly beating the Steelers, who looked like world-beaters the prior two weeks.
Michael Vick, miracle worker. Who knew?
There was also the usual spate of blowouts, starting with the NFL's traditional Thursday night wax-o-matic. Cincinnati's very own ginger, Andy Dalton, staged a hellacious performance that had Bengals fans yearning for the days of David Klingler and Akili Smith. Let’s not get crazy, but seriously, Andy, 10-33 for 86 yards and 3 INTs? That’s good for a 2.0 QB rating if you’re following along at home.
Then again, even smash-a-roonies get canonized in the propaganda-happy NFL:
Perhaps channeling such smashitude, the Broncos would've loved to post triple digits on the Raiders -- because, well, they're the Raiders -- but settled for 41-17. The Seahawks pulled away from the Giants, no doubt drawing inspiration from their mascot, making a point about who's the real shot-caller at Century Link Field:
And sooner or later, Maryland opponents will again learn to fear the Turtle. That ain't no witch out there:
Damn! Colleges even have fun when they're losing.
Fortunately for Bengals fans, their team still has a winning record and is fighting for a division title, so they won’t be making an appearance in the weekly Snark Rankings. However, the future don’t look so bright, so put away your shades. It’s November in Ohio, so they should be wearing parkas and those fuzzy hats with goofy ear flaps. And as Vince Lombardi shoulda said, 'The flask; always the flask.'
Cincy's trip to the Big Easy ain’t gonna be easy, as the Saints are still a very dangerous team. Oh, and then they get a rematch with the Browns in Week 15, host the Broncos the following week, and end the season at Pittsburgh. Good luck with that playoff run.
Does it seem like every week, one of the Snark teams just got bucked by the Broncos? Luckily for the Raiders, they held on for more than eight seconds.
1. Oakland Raiders (0-9) – Exchanging field goals and being tied 3-3 after the first quarter had to be a giddy feeling for this sorry lot, as Peyton Manning got off to a rough start throwing two picks in the first half. Broncos TE Julius Thomas must have had a heart-to-heart talk with Peyton right about then, as the two found each other like long lost lovers to open the second half. Well? It's legal now. Then, Emmanuel Sanders also said: 'Hey I’m available,' as if he and Manning were scorned lovers. Somewhere among the hearts and flowers, that still-anonymous Mychel Rivera character caught another TD pass from QB Derek Carr. There, I said something nice about the Raiders. Oakland is inexplicably last in the league in rushing yards per game. Didn’t they sign Maurice Jones-Drew in the off season? Things that make you go, hmmm?
2. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-9) – Different continent, same result, as the Jaguars would’ve fared better playing against Queen's Park Rangers at Wembley Stadium. Then again, maybe not. But don't get the real footballers started about NFL games at their national cathedral. Anyway, since he made the trip, Tony Romo shredded Jacksonville’s pass defense with three broken bones in his back. Did Jaguars coaches not read the injury report? Did they honestly think the Cowboys were going to trot out Brandon Weeden again? That shit show lasted one week, and Jerry Jones clearly had a gentle touch to persuade his franchise quarterback to suit up and play. Jacksonville has a bye in Week 11; then, it’s off to Indianapolis. If they beat the Giants in Week 12, that surely has to spell the end of the Tom Coughlin era in New York ... errrr, North Jersey.
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-8) – Had the Falcons lost this game, chances are good head coach Mike Smith would not have a job come Monday. He can thank kicker Matt Bryant and his four field goals for saving his butt for another week, at least. Bucs QB Josh McCown was so distraught following this loss he was seen crying at his locker after the game. Nobody is sure if that’s because he played very well and still lost, or because he wears a Buccaneers uniform. Someone shoulda handed him a Cuba libre to drown his sorrow. That's what teammates are for. But no worries Josh. Once the Buccaneers draft Oregon QB Marcus Mariotta, you won’t have to wear the creamsicle, pewter, and burnt red monstrosities anymore. We’re happy for you.
By the way, legend has it the Bronx Bombers went to pinstripes because it 'slimmed down' Babe Ruth's portly physique. And how many Bucs today would pay to have those masks to wear in public?
4. Tennessee Tuxedos (2-7) – Hey, we'll call them Titans when they start playing like it. Things have gotten so bad in Nashville that President and CEO Tommy Smith had to assure head coach Ken Whisenhunt that his job is safe. After nine games, you already have to answer questions about your first-year head coach? Not a good situation at all, and the QB scenario remains unsettled, to say the least. Tennessee does get to play Jacksonville and both New York teams before the end of the season, so there are a couple of decent opportunities for a win. But honestly, at this point, what difference would it make? If the Tuxes aren’t careful, they’re going to play themselves out of a Top Five draft pick and set this franchise back even further than drafting Jake Locker has done. Did I say that out loud?
5. Chicago Bears (3-6) – Good Lord! What has happened to this team? Perhaps losing to the Bills at Soldier Field to open the season was an omen that only Gregory Peck could understand. Does the curse of the Billy Goat stretch south along Interstate 41? The Bears were so atrocious on Sunday, they allowed Packers QB Aaron Rodgers a stat line of 315 passing yards and 6 TDs in the first half! With a player of Matt Forte’s caliber on the roster -- talent like you saw in that phone call above doesn't grow on trees, you know; in hidden forest patches, maybe, but not on trees -- why is this team 25th in the league in rushing yards per game? It’s clear that da Bears are going to rely less on tobacco addict Jay Cutler moving forward. Give the rock to Forte 30-35 times per game and see what happens. Division rival Minnesota Vikings come to town on Sunday, so there's a good chance they bounce back or find themselves shooting up the Snark Rankings even further. Two games against the Lions remain, so Chicago's chances are slim for many more wins. This is a lost season if there ever was one.
In all, a major shake up in the Snark Rankings this week, with the Jets falling out of the Feckless Five with their victory over the Steelers. The Redskins had a bye, so there was no chance of shooting themselves in the foot again.
If the Bengals and Panthers aren’t careful, they could easily snark their way onto the leaderboard. Believe me, it was difficult to leave either one of these squads off. Competition is fierce!