NFL Snark Rankings: Week 1

Well, it was simply an exciting first week in the NFL, which kicked off with a bang Thursday night.

Unfortunately for the defending Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens on opening night, it was the Denver Broncos doing most of the banging.

Although the Ravens hung with the Broncos during the first half, the second half proved that nobody can ride a bucking bronco for eight seconds!

There was another heavyweight matchup with the Green Bay Packers visiting the San Francisco 49ers, which turned out to be both a shootout and a bitch-slapping exhibition. I hope you took the over with your Bovada account and asked your wife or girlfriend or both if she/they has a better right cross than Clay Matthews!

Now that we’ve seen what teams have to offer, it’s time to assess each team with the inaugural Snark Rankings. These are like Power Rankings, but in reverse order so it’s the opposite of golf, where you don’t want a low score.

And yeah, it's a small sample size, but these teams should be hoping it remains a small sample size.

After each week, I’ll present the snark rankings of the worst five teams. There’s nowhere to go but up!

1. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – A home opener against the Kansas City Chiefs provided a great opportunity to earn a win and showcase the top two picks in the 2013 NFL draft. Instead, the Jaguars managed just two points, so the reality is their offense was shut out. Blaine Gabbert is not the answer at QB, especially not in Week 2. It will be a race with Oakland for the No 1 pick in the 2014 draft and the Johnny Manziel sweepstakes. Jacksonville travels to Oakland in Week 2, so whoever wins this game likely will get the second pick and possibly South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney. Jacksonville travels to Seattle in Week 3, so they could be looking at a 0-3 start. Who knows? By then their own fans may be campaigning for the team to move all their games to London!
2. CLEVELAND BROWNS – The only good thing that came out of their loss to the Dolphins is they shut down WR Mike Wallace and made him pout like a junior high kid that just got cut from the team. Hey Mike, your team won! Why the long face? Did you have yourself on your own fantasy team or something? But he wasn't alone in Brownie bumbling. Brandon Weeden was breathtakingly lousy and doesn’t look like the answer at QB, either. I'll bet Cleveland fans never thought they’d pine for the days of Bernie Kosar!
3. OAKLAND RAIDERS – Raiders coaches finally decided to start QB Terrelle Pryor, and he paid dividends by rushing for 112 yards. In fact, only Eagles RB LeSean McCoy ran for more yards in Week 1. The Raiders gave Indy a scare by only losing 21-17 and will get an opportunity to pick up their first W of the season when they host the Jaguars in Week 2. This may be the right time to take the Raiders in my survivor pool!
4. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS – Bonehead unsportsmanlike conduct penalties never accompany good timing, but it’s especially true when your team is up by two with 34 seconds left and you put the New York Jets into field goal range with the walkoff. LB Lavonte David may not have a job after his late hit out of bounds on Jets QB Geno Smith blew the game for the Buccos. And it doesn’t get any easier in Week 2 as Drew Brees and the Saints march into town clearly ready to catch up with David and turn the other cheek!
5. BUFFALO BILLS – Yes, they had a close game with the Patriots, but this team doesn’t appear to have any firepower. You’ll notice a common theme with most these teams is they don’t have a solid QB, and resting one's hopes on a rookie QB is rarely a winning proposition, unless you’re the 2012 Seattle Seahawks, Washington Redskins, and Indianapolis Colts, and then you can disregard my point entirely (like I almost have!).  CJ Spiller made little impact and EJ Manuel only threw for 150 yards. Next week, the Bills welcome the Carolina Panthers to town, who could resemble an angry mob with pitchforks after they blew a home game to the Seahawks. Carolina has a fierce defense -- and they don't bitch-slap, they punch, but that turned out to be a bad idea, too -- so don’t expect better things from Bills skill position players. That’s a hint, fantasy owners!

Week 2 in the NFL features some marquée matchups, particularly the San Francisco 49ers vs the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday Night Football. Don’t sleep on the Peyton vs Eli matchup in New York, either!

Oakland fans, try to enjoy the game against Jacksonville. You may not get another chance all year!