Common Knowledge: Jaguars Consult Jerry Jones in Quest for Mediocrity
The Jacksonville Jaguars may be the Lake Natron of the NFL right now, but they have lofty ambitions:
They want to be mediocre.
And who better to guide them in their search for so-so than the author of A-meh-rica's Team, Jerry Jones.
"He is the master," gushed a Jags' front office spokesperson, praise mingling with a mouthful of Denny's Grand Slam. "What he's managed to achieve in just twenty short years, how he's perfected the science of unexceptional...It's nothing short of exceptional."
"We reached out to him over the summer through his Reddit account and he was delighted we got in touch. He believes we've got a real shot at it and he's willing to pass on everything he knows to help us get there."
So, what pearls of humdrum has he already passed on?
"He talked about three foundation principles: A fundamental overreach in the perception of your football knowledge and acumen; an abject unwillingness to listen to anything but the voices in your head; and a franchise culture in which employees would rather chew their own leg off than have a contrary opinion.
"These are not just idle statements. You see them in action with the recent benching of Jerry's own draft picks. He walks the talk. He lives at the peak of the bell curve."
Teams helping each other is rarer than a competent Cleveland Browns tank-job. Is Jones at all concerned the Jags may overtake the Cowboys as the NFL model of mediocrity?
"Not at all. In his own words: 'There's plenty of 8-8 for everyone'."