Andrew Luck Can Now Be a High School History Teacher after Sudden Retirement from NFL
It's quite rare when we're genuinely shocked at a surprise development in professional sports, as many actions and reactions are excruciatingly predictable.
However, Andrew Luck retiring from the NFL at the age of 29 would certainly qualify.
The stunning news broke right in the middle of his Colts home pre-season exercise against the Chicago Bears.
Through the magic of technology, every single person in the building had access to info such as this:
After battling injury after injury, the word is that #Colts QB Andrew Luck was simply too worn down to continue. And so he abruptly retires at age 29. Jacoby Brissett is the new QB of the Colts.
— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) August 25, 2019
As a result, the following surreal scene played out after the game as Luck walked off the field in street clothes for possibly the last time:
Yep, he was booed outta the stadium.
Clearly, those drooling Colts fans didn't deserve him anyway, but maybe some full frontal lobotomies can be arranged.
Dude should be commended for having the good sense to escape this meat grinder with his facilities intact, or have these people already forgotten the carnage?
#AndrewLuck retires after keeping the franchise going strong post-Manning
— Michael Killi (@MikeKilli) August 25, 2019
- Torn cartilage in 2 ribs
- Partially torn abdomen
- Lacerated kidney that left him peeing blood
- Concussion
- Torn labrum in his throwing shoulder
- Medium ankle sprain
Colts fans: booooooooooooooooooo pic.twitter.com/U5YUrRcWFZ
Apparently, the only option left is to shoot him and tell the kids he went to live on a farm with plenty of open space to frolic.
Sadly, certain members of the media are being super-classy about it as well. Not:
Retiring cause rehabbing is “too hard” is the most millennial thing ever #AndrewLuck
— Doug Gottlieb (@GottliebShow) August 25, 2019
And that dude was once an athlete.
Troy Aikman will show you out now, Doug.
That’s total bullshit Doug. What qualifies you to decide how someone should live their life? So you’re now the authority on what motivates Andrew Luck? And if his decisions don’t fit into what you think is best for him then you rip him? Guess that keeps you employed on FS1. Nice https://t.co/p59DsmPoER
— Troy Aikman (@TroyAikman) August 26, 2019
Since the three-time Super Bowl-winning QB knows precisely what Luck is going through, we'll just go ahead and defer to him.
And how about this disturbing piece of video:
Andrew Luck you couldn’t have shared that news before I drafted you an hour ago? #andrewluck @Colts pic.twitter.com/szGO2Dik2i
— O.J. Simpson (@TheRealOJ32) August 25, 2019
Let's not even get into that.
Not only is Andrew Luck retiring from the NFL, he’s also going to be killed by OJ Simpson. https://t.co/LbdcuMliyd
— drew (@ndyWillis) August 25, 2019
Team owner and accomplished whackjob Jim Irsay put his small little bone injury diagnosing practice on hold for a moment to speak on the matter, even intimating that his now former QB could conceivably return at some point.
Of course, the fact that Luck will be allowed to keep bonus money that could've been pried away from him leaves the door cracked open just a bit.
Before we go, we really must acknowledge the brilliant Captain Andrew Luck twitter account, which sent out one final missive:
Dearest mother —
— Capt. Andrew Luck (@CaptAndrewLuck) August 25, 2019
The quill has never felt more heavy. I have made the decision to holster my sidearm permanently. I shall battle no more. The decision is difficult, but, as the hogs taught me, I must be true to myself. I am coming home to care for you and the farm.
— Andrew
And finally, let's pour out some squirrel oil for Andrew by allowing him the final word:
He's good people.