2015 NFL Snark Rankings: Week 2
'Cause you can't feel my anger
You can't feel my pain
You can't feel my torment
Driving me insane
~ Staind, Mudshovel
What the hell was that?
There were so many upsets in Week 2 -- and not just on Sunday, if you watched the Jets-Colts MNF game -- that 87% of the participants were knocked out of Yahoo's survivor pool.
To muddle matters more, every single team that appeared in the Week 1 Snark Rankings won, completely throwing off the space-time continuum and nearly causing this writer to throw up his hands in disgust. Or something.
Luckily for avid followers of the Snark Rankings, this writer is stubborn, persistent, and a glutton for punishment, so the second edition of the 2015 Snark Rankings plods along like hippos during mating season.
Okay, we don't need any visuals on that one.
In an unprecedented turn of events, we now have five brand new Snark teams in one week. That's right; no repeat offenders.
There 's likely to be some recidivism after Week 3, or we could have five completely new teams in the Snark Rankings again. Who knows? The term any given Sunday was on full display this past week.
1. New Orleans Saints (0-2)
So you couldn't beat the Buccos at the Superdome, huh?
Defeating the worst team in the league last year, with a rookie QB making his second career start was just too much to handle?
I think I've figured out what's ailing the Saints. Drew Brees misses Jimmy Graham. Can the Seahawks and Saints re-do that trade, because I'm pretty sure the Seahawks could use their best offensive lineman back since they clearly don't know how to throw the ball to Jimmy.
News broke late Monday that QB Drew Brees has a bum shoulder and could miss several weeks. Great. Not only are you ruining season ticket holders down there, but you're ruining fantasy football teams across the globe. Who in the world is the Saints backup QB? Where is Bobby Hebert when you need him?
2. Philadelphia Eagles (0-2)
If you had the displeasure of watching this game, just imagine how the fans feel who paid money to enter the stadium.
This was a disaster of a game for both teams, as the Eagles also ruined many a fantasy football season by taking out Tony Romo.
Let me get this straight: Romo breaks his left clavicle but throws right-handed. Does he really need his left shoulder that badly? Apparently so, as he's gone 8-10 weeks or until head coach Jason Garrett gets sick of backup QB Brandon Weeden.
Prized free agent RB Demarco Murray had 13 carries for 2 yards. That's not a misprint, either; I triple check all my facts. Maybe the team ought to triple-check its tendencies. A Week 3 trip to the Meadowlands to face the upstart Jets and that vaunted defense is not what this team needs right now. Head coach Chip Kelly said he was embarrassed the way the Eagles played. So are we, Chip. Indeed!
3. New York Giants (0-2)
Another week and another terrible loss for the G-Men. At least they got Odell Beckham Jr involved in the passing game.
Don't fret Giants fans, nobody can stop Julio Jones right now. This team could really use Jason Pierre-Paul and all his fingers because you actually do need a thumb and forefinger to tackle someone.
The G-Men became the only team to blow 10-point fourth-quarter leads in their first two games since the AFL-NFL merger. QB Eli Manning continues to make questionable decisions. This week, he needed to throw the ball away late into a last-quarter drive. Instead, he held on to the rock too long, took an unnecessary sack, and fumbled, leading directly to an Atlanta TD.
The Redskins come to town next week, so it's time to get in the win column. After that, it's the Bills, 49ers, Eagles, and Cowboys. There's never an easy game in this league.
4. Detroit Lions (0-2)
This team can't only not run the ball, they can't stop the run, either. They badly need Ndamokong Suh back. Vikings RB Adrian Peterson gashed them for 192 total yards, including 134 on the ground.
The Lions were a playoff team last year, but there's not going to be a repeat if they keep this up. Try drafting a defensive player next April, dudes. You don't need any more WRs or TEs.
Their schedule is brutal, as they host the Broncos, travel to Seattle for Monday Night Football, and then get the Cardinals back home. Yikes! An 0-5 start is not what this team needs, but it's likely to happen. Remember, Lions, focus on defense with that Top 5 pick next spring; you'll need it.
5. Chicago Bears (0-2)
Here, yet again, is another team that lost their star QB to injury. But going without Jay Cutler for a couple weeks might not be a bad thing. He can't hurt you if he's hurt. Like the late, great Yogi Berra says: If you're hurt and miss work, it won't hurt to miss work. Wise words from a wise man.
Traveling to Seattle for a Week 3 matchup isn't going to get you places, other than the scenic Pacific Northwest for a weekend getaway. Be sure and stop by Pike Place Market and watch them throw fish, because apparently, that's all that happens in Seattle according to national broadcasts.
Backup QB Jimmy Clausen will get the start against the Legion of Boom. Lucky him; Kam Chancellor's finally back after possibly the dumbest holdout in recent times. Still, it's a hostile environment, and getting off to an 0-3 start isn't going to inspire confidence in new head coach John Fox.
Will his experience in that disastrous Super Bowl XLVIII loss with the Broncos help him against the Seahawks this time around? Don't bet on it.