Breaking: The Badgers Have Cooties

Camp Randall is a lovely place.

Madison is where The Onion was founded.

Wisconsin's revenue sports -- football, hoops, and hockey -- are a virtual ATM.

So what's not to like if you've got the big whistle at Badgers football practices?

Clearly something.

Now that Gary Andersen has turned in his keys, the usual reasons are being tossed about. For example:

• Wisconsin's admission standards are too rigid.
• It's too tough to recruit athletes to the Big Ten.
• There's not enough budget for assistant coaches.
• Beloved former coach and current AD Barry Alvarez has too much presence.

OK, this could be a Certs commercial. So, stop! Maybe they're all right.

Damn. All that clean-&-freshness sorta sounds like Wisconsin. What sane coach would want to leave there, especially for a school within the shadow of Duck U in all of its Nike-lab glory in a state that just legalized marijuana? What could possibly drive a coach to such a sudden decision?

Unless both Bielema and Andersen discovered the dark secret hidden within the cheese warehouses ...

Skeptical?

Well, it's either that ... or this:

That's right. Who knew the Trilateral Commission teamed with the Illuminati to keep a Big XII team out of the College Football Playoffs and Wisconsin -- Wisconsin! -- would be the tethered goat in this heinous plot?

Is there no end to their evil?

For any further breathless developments on this cheesehead coaching crisis, there are only two sources remaining who are qualified to cover it.

Just tune in to TMZ or Fox News.