San Antoni-Oh Noes: Four Other 'Malfunctions' the Spurs Should Try in Game Two

Published on 07-Jun-2014 by Xavier McSpaniel
Basketball - NBA / NBA Daily Opinion

San Antoni-Oh Noes: Four Other 'Malfunctions' the Spurs Should Try in Game Two

The San Antonio Spurs today assured the known universe the Game 1 air conditioning fail that caused the AT&T Center to become hotter than Kate Upton -- and LeBron James to become more cramped than a New York water-closet -- has been resolved.

So, what is Gregg 'Grassy Knoll' Popovich to do now?

He can't make Ray Allen change teams. He can't bribe Joey Crawford.

And he can't leave it till Thursday:

We at The Daily Player have no doubt Pop has additional douche-moves up his sleeves. But in the unthinkable event the future Hall of Fame coach is bereft of ideas (and can't get Bill Belichick on the blower), here's our guide to a guaranteed triumph in Game 2:

Shift venue to Mexico City:
Just make sure the Heat occupy the end where the asphyxiation is happening.

Real Gatorade in the Heat's Gatorade bucket:
Gatorade hasn't changed their recipe in forever, despite sports science progressing beyond the days of high-tops and half-time cigarettes. Sounds like a recipe for cramps in areas just north of the legs.

Heat pre-game speech from Donald Sterling:
A masterstroke. You might not even have to make a single bucket to secure the victory.

Gift set of golf clubs for LeBron:
That is one godawful swing. Not Charles Barkley brutal, but not far off.

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