Mind No Matter: Dualist Derrick Rose Proves Philosophical Zombie Theory

Noted philosopher, David Chalmers, in his seminal 1996 work, 'The Conscious Mind', argued for the potential existence of philosophical zombies: creatures behaviourally and physically identical to human beings; who could walk and talk, laugh and cry, pass and shoot, sign endorsements and tear ACL's, whilst lacking the capacity for conscious experience.

Furthermore, Chalmers posited that the very idea of philosophical zombies -- the fact people can conceive of them and debate their existence -- brings into serious question the physicalism-based notion that every aspect of our lives, including consciousness, resides in a material, measurable realm.

Forget the theories. The 2013 NBA playoffs have provided Chalmers and his proponents with irrefutable proof:

Derrick Rose -- Chicago Bulls superstar, former MVP, current suit-wearer -- is a philosophical zombie.

The body is all there; Rose's rehab from the knee blowout in Game 1 of last year's postseason has brought him to the point of full physical capability. Yet, the conscious mind is completely AWOL; he sits on the bench, strategizing, supporting, clapping and cheering his teammates on cue, completely oblivious to the fact his club is fighting the champion Miami Heat and falling like 'Walking Dead' extras. As Chalmers himself would identify, Rose "looks and behaves like the conscious beings we know and love, but all is dark inside."

Of course, this is not the first time the NBA has dabbled in dualism. Attempts to create a race of basketball automatons during the 90s failed badly. And the infamous shift of the Seattle franchise to Oklahoma City gave rise to an army of Zombie Sonics, some of whom continue to terrorize basketball fans' innate sense of joy and optimism.

The unholy creation of p-zed Derrick Rose, however, represents not only an advance in the freaky mind-body experimentation of the NBA, but in the future of philosophical thought and the very nature of human existence.

Damn, he does look mighty good in a suit, though.