Flop Gun: Jason Kidd Will Fail as Nets Coach because of Three Other Tom Cruise Movies
According to the New York Daily News, Brooklyn Nets' owner Mikhail Prokhorov believes the sky's the limit for rookie coach Jason Kidd:
"It was Jason's idea, and he came to us with his idea, and I was the one who signed off on it. And I think that there is a logic, and I want to share with this logic, why I made this decision. There are players in the NBA which display the ability to coach when they play, in terms of leadership, in terms of guiding play and in terms of motivating their playmates. So and Jason Kidd was that kind of a player.
"Maybe you do remember a film, Top Gun. This film just arrived in Russia one week ago. I want to refresh your memory. Tom Cruise plays Maverick, and he was a top pilot, he was a real leader. At the end of the day he made decision to be an instructor because it was the highest value just to be a leader. So Jason Kidd is our Top Gun. And he will do his best, I am sure, all his skills to elevate the whole team."
Prokhorov is clearly feeling the need for speed, but with delusions like this, we'd suggest he's also feeling the need for crystal meth.
Jason Kidd will be a flop gun as the Nets' pilot.
And here's three other Tom Cruise movies that confirm our "logic":
The Nets are all-in following their summer of
madness activity, and all-in means beating the Heat in the East. And the Pacers. And the Bulls. And the Knicks. Okay, forget the Knicks -- the Pacers and Bulls are better than Brooklyn's overrated melange of mercenaries. And the Heat still promise to be all Heaty. Much like this year, and despite the silly hyperbole, all-in may be all-out in the first round of the playoffs.
Rock of Ages
The aggregate age of Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, Jason Terry, and Andrei Kirilenko is 139 years -- that's almost as old as James Naismith. Experience does count for something, but not much when you're chasing down a LeBron James breakaway on feet riddled with arthritis and gout and osteporosis.
Born on the Fourth of July
Contrary to popular opinion, the most important player on the Nets' roster is their prancing, boards-evading center, Brook Lopez. As Roy Hibbert showed during the Eastern Conference Finals, a five who can impact both ends of the floor is the key to strangling the Heat. Lopez can score -- although when and against whom is worth noting -- but a career average of just over seven rebounds a game and a well-earned reputation for porous defense won't get it done. Worse than that, his history of stress fractures suggests he may end up less mobile than Ron Kovic.