Everything Zen: How the Toronto Raptors Can Make Phil Jackson Forget He's a Winner

Phil Jackson has one or two rings.

The Toronto Raptors have Andrea Bargnani, Aaron Gray and Sebastian Telfair.

Clearly, an arranged marriage between the Zen Master and the basketball bastion of the Great White North makes less sense than anything in Michael Jordan's masterplan. But the Raps do have an ace up their sleeve: namely, Tim Leiweke, who gained notoriety as David Beckham's LA Galaxy pimp and is now prez of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment. He also has a "longstanding, productive relationship" (ie- he may have taken it to the hole) with Lakers' exec and Jackson's squeeze, Jeanie Buss.    

Does Leiweke have enough spin to make one of sport's ultimate achievers forget his own rules for success?

Um ... No. 

So, here are some suggestions for how this floundering franchise can beef up the bid and land the Big Man:

Sign Dwight Howard: Forget the balky back and d-bag 'tude - Howard, like Jackson, hates Kobe Bryant. Sign the SuperEgo and that common bond of loathing would surely tempt Jackson to cross the border.      

Move the franchise to Los Angeles: LA has the Midas touch for basketball franchises: just look at the Clippers' perennial success. Why wouldn't Phil Jackson want to be part of a third big ticket in Staples?   

Give him the province of Québec: The separatist movement may have been quiet for a while, but no doubt it could be revived for Jacko. He may have to trade for Tony Parker, though.

Let him manage the Blue Jays: If things aren't going well on the hardwood, Phil could always shift his coaching stool over to the Jays' dugout. Perhaps he could re-shape the triangle offense into a diamond.