Statue of Limitations: MLB Plans to Drug Test Jim Thome Tribute

On Saturday 2 August, the Cleveland Indians will unveil a statue outside Progressive Field immortalizing the franchise's career home run leader, Jim Thome.

On Sunday 3 August, said statue will be tested for PEDs.

"This demonstrates our unparalleled commitment to cleaning up the game once and for all," said an MLB spokesperson from his designated carpark at 60 Minutes. "No other professional league in North America is going to these lengths to ensure the integrity of their sport."

The examination of Thome's tribute represents the first in a formalized and systematic approach to testing commemorative statues. Somewhat surprisingly, MLB has been ad hoc performing the procedure for several years.

"We've analysed a bunch of figures already on a trial basis. Willie McCovey, Stan Musial, George Steinbrenner. No steroids to speak of."

"Babe Ruth did test positive for lead poisoning, though."

Is there any appetite to test the fabled Centaur painting Alex Rodriguez is rumoured to have hanging over his bed?

"I think we can all agree that doing so would be a complete waste of time and resources."