Andy van Slyke: The Human Blowtorch

Published on 19-Nov-2015 by Alan Adamsson
MLB / MLB Daily Update

Scorched earth policy, all in one interview.

On the bright side, maybe the dude's another sign that the Age of Political Correctness is on the wane.

Whatever he is, Andy van Slyke has clearly gone radioactive.

Not one to go quietly into the night when he was dismissed as a coach amid the Seattle Mariners' management overhaul, van Slyke has instead lit up the horizon into which he rode.

In one sense, it's what baseball coaches do when they're ejected.

No word on how Wellman likes wiping tables at Chick-fil-a, but only the pension of a 12-season MLB career will keep van Slyke from the same fate.

And to think he got there in only one radio interview.

Here's the opening salvo:

This is just between you and I. When the best player -- the highest paid player on the Los Angeles Dodgers -- goes to the GM and ... is asked what are [the needs of the Los Angeles Dodgers], this particular highest-paid player said, 'The first thing you need to do is get rid of Puig.' That's all you need to know.

First of all, it's you and me. Object of the preposition.

Secondly, how is anything on live radio "between you and I"?

Since van Slyke was coaching with the Mariners all summer, odds are his alleged inside source could be feeling more awkward than he did in one game last summer:

Like, thanks, Dad.

But van Slyke the Elder was just getting tuned up. He then turned his turret on Seattle's Robinson Canó:

Your highest paid, supposedly best player – I mean Robbie’s not a bad guy, let me say that before I say anything bad about how he played. But Robinson Canó was the single worst third-place, every-day player I’ve ever seen – I’ve ever seen for the first half of a baseball season.

He couldn’t drive home Miss Daisy if he tried. He couldn’t get a hit when it mattered. He played the worst defense I’ve ever seen at second base. I mean I’m talking about the worst defensive second baseman ever – I’ve ever seen in 20 years in the big leagues. He couldn’t catch the ball. No, I take that back. Any ball that was hit to him was an out. Any ball that he had a chance to turn a double play, he’s still maybe the best in the game today. He’s got a great arm.

But I’m telling you ... Robinson Canó cost the GM his job. The hitting coach got fired because of Canó. And the manager and the coaches got fired because of Canó. That’s how much impact he has on the organization. He was the worst player and it cost people their jobs in the process.

He must be referring to the dude who played through a hernia and --after the Mariners switched hitting coaches from Howard Johnson to Edgar Martínez -- went on a tear in the season's second half.

Toss in the fact that Zduriencik was incompetent, and it appears van Slyke took a cred hit on this one.

Dude's come a long way from -- Bob Uecker aside -- being the ground zero of rimshots with comebacks like this:

When asked if there was anyone in the world with whom he'd trade places for a day ...

"My wife. So I could see how wonderful it is to live with me."

Well, she may be seeing a lot of him next summer.

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